diff --git a/static-analyzer.py b/static-analyzer.py
new file mode 100755
index 0000000000..010cc92212
--- /dev/null
+++ b/static-analyzer.py
@@ -0,0 +1,509 @@
+#!/usr/bin/env python3
+# ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- #
+
+from __future__ import annotations
+
+from dataclasses import dataclass
+import json
+import os
+import os.path
+import subprocess
+import sys
+import re
+from argparse import ArgumentParser, Namespace, RawDescriptionHelpFormatter
+from multiprocessing import Pool
+from pathlib import Path
+from typing import (
+    Any,
+    Callable,
+    Dict,
+    Iterable,
+    List,
+    NoReturn,
+    Optional,
+    Mapping,
+    Sequence,
+    Tuple,
+)
+
+# ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- #
+
+from clang.cindex import (  # type: ignore
+    Cursor,
+    CursorKind,
+    Diagnostic,
+    StorageClass,
+    TranslationUnit,
+    TranslationUnitLoadError,
+    TypeKind,
+)
+
+Cursor.__hash__ = lambda self: self.hash  # so `Cursor`s can be dict keys
+
+# ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- #
+# Usage
+
+
+def parse_args() -> Namespace:
+
+    available_checks = "\n".join(f"  {name}" for (name, _) in CHECKS)
+
+    parser = ArgumentParser(
+        formatter_class=RawDescriptionHelpFormatter,
+        epilog=f"""
+available checks:
+{available_checks}
+
+exit codes:
+  0  No problems found.
+  1  Analyzer failure.
+  2  Bad usage.
+  3  Problems found in a translation unit.
+""",
+    )
+
+    parser.add_argument("build_dir", type=Path)
+
+    parser.add_argument(
+        "translation_units",
+        type=Path,
+        nargs="*",
+        help=(
+            "Analyze only translation units whose root source file matches or"
+            " is under one of the given paths."
+        ),
+    )
+
+    parser.add_argument(
+        "-c",
+        "--check",
+        metavar="CHECK",
+        dest="check_names",
+        choices=[name for (name, _) in CHECKS],
+        action="append",
+        help=(
+            "Enable the given check. Can be given multiple times. If not given,"
+            " all checks are enabled."
+        ),
+    )
+
+    parser.add_argument(
+        "-j",
+        "--jobs",
+        dest="threads",
+        type=int,
+        help=(
+            "Number of threads to employ. Defaults to the number of logical"
+            " processors."
+        ),
+    )
+
+    parser.add_argument(
+        "--profile",
+        action="store_true",
+        help="Profile execution. Forces single-threaded execution.",
+    )
+
+    return parser.parse_args()
+
+
+# ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- #
+# Main
+
+
+def main() -> NoReturn:
+
+    args = parse_args()
+
+    compile_commands = load_compilation_database(args)
+    contexts = get_translation_unit_contexts(args, compile_commands)
+
+    analyze_translation_units(args, contexts)
+
+
+def load_compilation_database(args: Namespace) -> Sequence[Mapping[str, str]]:
+
+    # clang.cindex.CompilationDatabase.getCompileCommands() apparently produces
+    # entries for files not listed in compile_commands.json in a best-effort
+    # manner, which we don't want, so we parse the JSON ourselves instead.
+
+    path = args.build_dir / "compile_commands.json"
+
+    try:
+        with path.open("r") as f:
+            return json.load(f)
+    except FileNotFoundError:
+        fatal(f"{path} does not exist")
+
+
+def get_translation_unit_contexts(
+    args: Namespace, compile_commands: Iterable[Mapping[str, str]]
+) -> Sequence[TranslationUnitContext]:
+
+    system_include_paths = get_clang_system_include_paths()
+    check_names = args.check_names or [name for (name, _) in CHECKS]
+
+    contexts = (
+        TranslationUnitContext(
+            absolute_path=str(Path(cmd["directory"], cmd["file"]).resolve()),
+            compilation_working_dir=cmd["directory"],
+            compilation_command=cmd["command"],
+            system_include_paths=system_include_paths,
+            check_names=check_names,
+        )
+        for cmd in compile_commands
+    )
+
+    if args.translation_units:
+
+        allowed_prefixes = [
+            # ensure path exists and is slash-terminated (even if it is a file)
+            os.path.join(path.resolve(strict=True), "")
+            for path in args.translation_units
+        ]
+
+        contexts = (
+            ctx
+            for ctx in contexts
+            if any(
+                (ctx.absolute_path + "/").startswith(prefix)
+                for prefix in allowed_prefixes
+            )
+        )
+
+    context_list = list(contexts)
+
+    if not context_list:
+        fatal("No translation units to analyze")
+
+    return context_list
+
+
+def get_clang_system_include_paths() -> Sequence[str]:
+
+    # libclang does not automatically include clang's standard system include
+    # paths, so we ask clang what they are and include them ourselves.
+
+    # TODO: Is there a less hacky way to do this?
+
+    result = subprocess.run(
+        ["clang", "-E", "-", "-v"],
+        stdin=subprocess.DEVNULL,
+        stdout=subprocess.DEVNULL,
+        stderr=subprocess.PIPE,
+        universal_newlines=True,  # decode stdout/stderr using default encoding
+        check=True,
+    )
+
+    # Module `re` does not support repeated group captures.
+    pattern = (
+        r"#include <...> search starts here:\n"
+        r"((?: \S*\n)+)"
+        r"End of search list."
+    )
+
+    match = re.search(pattern, result.stderr, re.MULTILINE)
+    assert match is not None
+
+    return [line[1:] for line in match.group(1).splitlines()]
+
+
+def fatal(message: str) -> NoReturn:
+    print(f"\033[0;31mERROR: {message}\033[0m")
+    sys.exit(1)
+
+
+# ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- #
+# Analysis
+
+
+@dataclass
+class TranslationUnitContext:
+    absolute_path: str
+    compilation_working_dir: str
+    compilation_command: str
+    system_include_paths: Sequence[str]
+    check_names: Sequence[str]
+
+
+def analyze_translation_units(
+    args: Namespace, contexts: Sequence[TranslationUnitContext]
+) -> NoReturn:
+
+    results: List[bool]
+
+    if not args.profile:
+
+        with Pool(processes=args.threads) as pool:
+            results = pool.map(analyze_translation_unit, contexts)
+
+    else:
+
+        import cProfile
+        import pstats
+
+        profile = cProfile.Profile()
+
+        try:
+            results = profile.runcall(
+                lambda: list(map(analyze_translation_unit, contexts))
+            )
+        finally:
+            stats = pstats.Stats(profile, stream=sys.stderr)
+            stats.strip_dirs()
+            stats.sort_stats("tottime")
+            stats.print_stats()
+
+    print(
+        f"\033[0;34mAnalyzed {len(contexts)}"
+        f" translation unit{'' if len(contexts) == 1 else 's'}.\033[0m"
+    )
+
+    sys.exit(0 if all(results) else 3)
+
+
+def analyze_translation_unit(context: TranslationUnitContext) -> bool:
+
+    # relative to script's original working directory
+    relative_path = os.path.relpath(context.absolute_path)
+
+    # load translation unit
+
+    command = context.compilation_command.split()
+
+    adjusted_command = [
+        # keep the original compilation command name
+        command[0],
+        # ignore unknown GCC warning options
+        "-Wno-unknown-warning-option",
+        # add clang system include paths
+        *(
+            arg
+            for path in context.system_include_paths
+            for arg in ("-isystem", path)
+        ),
+        # keep all other arguments but the last, which is the file name
+        *command[1:-1],
+        # replace relative path to get absolute location information
+        context.absolute_path,
+    ]
+
+    original_cwd = os.getcwd()
+    os.chdir(context.compilation_working_dir)  # for options like -I to work
+
+    try:
+        tu = TranslationUnit.from_source(filename=None, args=adjusted_command)
+    except TranslationUnitLoadError as e:
+        raise RuntimeError(f"Failed to load {relative_path}") from e
+
+    os.chdir(original_cwd)  # to have proper relative paths in messages
+
+    # check for fatal diagnostics
+
+    found_problems = False
+
+    for diag in tu.diagnostics:
+        # consider only Fatal diagnostics, like missing includes
+        if diag.severity >= Diagnostic.Fatal:
+            found_problems = True
+            location = format_location(diag, default=relative_path)
+            print(
+                f"\033[0;33m{location}: {diag.spelling}; this may lead to false"
+                f" positives and negatives\033[0m"
+            )
+
+    # analyze translation unit
+
+    def log(node: Cursor, message: str) -> None:
+        nonlocal found_problems
+        found_problems = True
+        print(f"{format_location(node)}: {message}")
+
+    try:
+        for (name, checker) in CHECKS:
+            if name in context.check_names:
+                checker(tu, context.absolute_path, log)
+    except Exception as e:
+        raise RuntimeError(f"Error analyzing {relative_path}") from e
+
+    return not found_problems
+
+
+# obj must have a location field/property that is a `SourceLocation`.
+def format_location(obj: Any, *, default: str = "(none)") -> str:
+
+    location = obj.location
+
+    if location.file is None:
+        return default
+    else:
+        abs_path = Path(location.file.name).resolve()
+        rel_path = os.path.relpath(abs_path)
+        return f"{rel_path}:{location.line}:{location.column}"
+
+
+# ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- #
+# Checks
+
+Checker = Callable[[TranslationUnit, str, Callable[[Cursor, str], None]], None]
+
+CHECKS: List[Tuple[str, Checker]] = []
+
+
+def check(name: str) -> Callable[[Checker], Checker]:
+    def decorator(checker: Checker) -> Checker:
+        CHECKS.append((name, checker))
+        return checker
+
+    return decorator
+
+
+@check("return-value-never-used")
+def check_return_value_never_used(
+    translation_unit: TranslationUnit,
+    translation_unit_path: str,
+    log: Callable[[Cursor, str], None],
+) -> None:
+    """
+    Report static functions with a non-void return value that no caller ever
+    uses.
+
+    This check is best effort, but should never report false positives (positive
+    being error).
+    """
+
+    def function_occurrence_might_use_return_value(
+        ancestors: Sequence[Cursor], node: Cursor
+    ) -> bool:
+
+        if ancestors[-1].kind.is_statement():
+
+            return False
+
+        elif (
+            ancestors[-1].kind == CursorKind.CALL_EXPR
+            and ancestors[-1].referenced == node.referenced
+        ):
+
+            if not ancestors[-2].kind.is_statement():
+                return True
+
+            if ancestors[-2].kind in [
+                CursorKind.IF_STMT,
+                CursorKind.SWITCH_STMT,
+                CursorKind.WHILE_STMT,
+                CursorKind.DO_STMT,
+                CursorKind.RETURN_STMT,
+            ]:
+                return True
+
+            if ancestors[-2].kind == CursorKind.FOR_STMT:
+                [_init, cond, _adv] = ancestors[-2].get_children()
+                if ancestors[-1] == cond:
+                    return True
+
+            return False
+
+        else:
+
+            # might be doing something with a pointer to the function
+            return True
+
+    # Maps canonical function `Cursor`s to whether we found a place that maybe
+    # uses their return value. Only includes static functions that don't return
+    # void and belong to the translation unit's root file (i.e, were not brought
+    # in by an #include).
+    funcs: Dict[Cursor, bool] = {}
+
+    for [*ancestors, node] in all_paths(translation_unit.cursor):
+
+        if (
+            node.kind == CursorKind.FUNCTION_DECL
+            and node.storage_class == StorageClass.STATIC
+            and node.location.file.name == translation_unit_path
+            and node.type.get_result().get_canonical().kind != TypeKind.VOID
+        ):
+            funcs.setdefault(node.canonical, False)
+
+        if (
+            node.kind == CursorKind.DECL_REF_EXPR
+            and node.referenced.kind == CursorKind.FUNCTION_DECL
+            and node.referenced.canonical in funcs
+            and function_occurrence_might_use_return_value(ancestors, node)
+        ):
+            funcs[node.referenced.canonical] = True
+
+    # ---
+
+    for (cursor, return_value_maybe_used) in funcs.items():
+        if not return_value_maybe_used:
+            log(cursor, f"{cursor.spelling}() return value is never used")
+
+
+# ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- #
+# Traversal
+
+# Hides nodes of kind UNEXPOSED_EXPR.
+def all_paths(root: Cursor) -> Iterable[Sequence[Cursor]]:
+
+    path = []
+
+    def aux(node: Cursor) -> Iterable[Sequence[Cursor]]:
+        nonlocal path
+
+        if node.kind != CursorKind.UNEXPOSED_EXPR:
+            path.append(node)
+            yield path
+
+        for child in node.get_children():
+            yield from aux(child)
+
+        if node.kind != CursorKind.UNEXPOSED_EXPR:
+            path.pop()
+
+    return aux(root)
+
+
+# ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- #
+# Utilities handy for development
+
+
+def print_node(node: Cursor) -> None:
+
+    print(f"{format_location(node)}: kind = {node.kind.name}", end="")
+
+    if node.spelling:
+        print(f", name = {node.spelling}", end="")
+
+    if node.type is not None:
+        print(f", type = {node.type.get_canonical().spelling}", end="")
+
+    if node.referenced is not None:
+        print(f", referenced = {node.referenced.spelling}", end="")
+
+    print()
+
+
+def print_tree(
+    node: Cursor, *, max_depth: Optional[int] = None, indentation_level: int = 0
+) -> None:
+
+    if max_depth is None or max_depth >= 0:
+
+        print("  " * indentation_level, end="")
+        print_node(node)
+
+        for child in node.get_children():
+            print_tree(
+                child,
+                max_depth=None if max_depth is None else max_depth - 1,
+                indentation_level=indentation_level + 1,
+            )
+
+
+# ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- #
+
+if __name__ == "__main__":
+    main()
+
+# ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- #
